Monday, July 25, 2011

Please mind the gap

Since the time the Delhi metro introduced one whole compartment for ladies, we haven't stopped blessing them. Let's face it. It’s not a cool idea to travel with sweaty and at times horny men. (Please note we aren't calling everyone horny). So for the last seven months, journey on Delhi metro has been smooth.

Or NOT. Well the ladies are fine, yes. But they come with their own hang-ups. So we bring to you the different kind of travelers that we encounter on a daily basis. Yes we know you have been always curious to know what happens in that 'exclusive' compartment of ours. Don't lie now; we have seen how you guys look at our compartment forlornly. So here it is.

The Pushy Woman: Yea she pushes and hard.

Charactersistics: Semi Belligerant, will demolish all resistance in her way

Beware: Pointy elbow

The ‘Edjuster’: Aunty types who will assume one square inch of seat is sufficient to accommodate her ample ass. She will insist that people ‘edjust’ (read:adjust) for some space.

Characteristics: Big Bum, no offence, its inevitable. Underestimates self ass size

Beware: She may attempt to sit on your lap, at the very least, your thigh.

The Hawk: She will outrightly ask you which stop you’re getting down at, and make faces if its not convenient. She will then scrutinize all ‘sitters’ for signs of getting up and leaving and the merest movement will gain her notice.

Beware: In a competiton to occupy the nearest vacated seat, she is like a rugby tackler. She WILL not lose.

The BO Queen: Yes we do wonder, synthetics in summers and monsoons? Nobody tells them it’s a bad idea? Or their own noses are so assaulted that the olfactory nerves are immune to self sweat stink?

Characteristics: Will stick close to you with perhaps one deadly underarm raised. Sweat patch may or may not be evident, dependant on the grade of synthetic she is wearing

Beware: Of passing out by sheer odour assault.

The Farter: Inevitable. There are these women who will undoubtedly enjoy the multitudes of the metro and the anonymity of being able to let out a silent but deadly one. Worse if it’s a stander because the sitters get the worst of it.

Characteristics: Well there are none, are there. It could be anyone

Beware: Of being in the fart epicenter and being looked upon with suspicion by fellow passengers whose noses have dived in their shoulders or protected by their hands.

The Queen: She comes and asks meekly to give her some space to sit. Slowly and cunningly she takes over the entire seat making you look like the new entrant who asked others to ‘edjust’.

Characteristic: They are smart, operate silently and shrewdly.

Beware: Of giving up your comfortable seat to a not so innocent co-passenger.

The Indulgent mother: She will allow her annoying little pesky kid to do anything and everything in the metro. Will not care if her indulgence causes inconvenience to the co passengers.

Characteristics: she smiles and beams proudly at her kid. Lets the kid monkey around, scream, run around. She will just sit and smile through the whole thing

Beware: She might ask you to shift to let her kid stand next to you on the seat and enjoy the wonderful world outside. If you agree, well...then good luck to you!

The Annoying Kid(TAK): Kids are sweet things......people of course. Cute little people. Mostly. Unless they're traveling and cranky or traveling and hyper. In which case they can be a royal nuisance, despite said cuteness. They will wail and weep, wipe their snotty little noses on the metro seats, want to stand and look at the scenery and incessantly comment on it, in a loud voice, ask annoying questions or if they're hyper then they will think the metro poles are made for the express joy of their being able to swing around it like little monkeys. Never mind that your shoe/foot may get trampled or your bag has size 2 foot prints on it, The Indulgent Mother will smile leniently as if her offspring was born for the sole purpose of doing this act which must in effect bring joy to everyone around.

Characteristics: You know which ones. Dont start again.

Beware: The chances of TAK being fascinated by any of your gadget or possessions are high. If that should happen, you are advised to pretend the next stop is yours and get off, and get on again. (Exit Strategy) Unless you want said gadget smeared with fingerprints, snot, saliva amongst other unsavory things.

The Surreptitious eater: Yes, they do exist. Despite metro rules stating that (intone) Eating and drinking is not allowed inside the metro premises- people have the irresistible and seemingly uncontrollable urge to eat something while traveling by the metro. Maybe they can only consume food while traveling in air conditioned public transport? Who knows.

Characteristics: This person looks shifty. Male or female. Will keep food article concealed or in a bag and frequently be observed shoving things into their mouth and munching furiously while darting furtive glances around. Some also try to brazen it out and eat like they own the compartment and daring anyone to object.

Beware: Namkeens can be messy so it is to be hoped you're not sitting next to someone obliged to stuff millions of little food particles in their mouth sneaking because chances are, food spraying will happen. Also, in case you sit next to a noisy eater, please refer to Exit Strategy mentioned above.

The Accidental Guy: The odd man who enters the ladies compartment in the mistaken belief : "Ohmaigawd- empty-ish apartment full of the indianladies. Waow." and then quickly makes a hasty escape when he realizes that there is fee (fine) for ogling manyindianwomens and he could just as easily do it for free on the roads of the Delhi.

These are a few of our random sarcastic satirical observations. Any resemble to anyone living is purely intentional. Please feel free to add your experiences to it as well.

A sense of humour is a prerequisite.


somya said...

its a well written one! :)
i can relate to one soo well! when will we get rid of THESE?! *sigh*

Ess! said...

funny! but trust me Delhi metro is still a bliss... try mumbai local - ladies compartment...all those characteristics (tht u mentioned) multplied by 10!

sanely insane said...

har har many types of much entertainment for the blog :P

Mrinalini said...

yaar, i have met almost every kind with you. maybe becos you are my metro guru, who takes me thru the evil world of the posh trains and makes me familiar with the not so posh people, esp the 'edjuster'.
thanks for enlightening the not-so-frequenters or the 'south delhi elitists' (as u may call them) with the metro :D

Nandini said...

@ Somya, I dont think we're ever getting rid of these! If at all, there will be more added to the mix. Try the 'almost socialite' who deigns to step in the metro and acts classist about it, or a recent discovery- The Nose Digger! trust me, you don't want to meet either!!!

Ess: I feel you! I've heard enough Bombay Local stories to live in mortal dread of ever traveling in one! And Bombay is HUMID! Nuff said.

Sanely: Somebody should get some joy out of these,right? :P

@Mrinu : My darling, you COULD be a type! :D The confused soul who looks at the metro like a giant caterpillar that will swallow her up and let her out in a place she doesn't want to go to!

One year+ you+ me+ metro! Dekho Phir!


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